Every April 20th, we come together as a community to honor and remember the children lost to HIE too soon and the families who carry them forward every day. In our recent Child Life Q&A we sat down with Annie Gunning, Certified Child Life Specialist and Grief Counselor, for a conversation centered around remembrance — and the grief that lives alongside it. During the session, she explored meaningful ways to remember children and siblings, ways to honor them in everyday life and on special dates, how to support grieving siblings while navigating your own grief, and how grief looks different in children.
Missed the live Q&A? No worries. We took notes, and like any good partner, we're willing to share.
Remembering someone who died isn't about staying stuck in grief. It's about allowing love and relationship to continue in new ways.
Research shows that remembrance helps families maintain connection and meaning after loss. For children especially, remembering helps them understand that their sibling or loved one still matters and is still a part of their family story. Just because someone is no longer physically present doesn't mean they stop being part of who you are.
Children often worry that they might forget the person who died. Remembrance activities — even simple, everyday ones — help preserve those memories and show children that it is safe and healthy to talk about their person.
Memories can bring both sadness and comfort, and both of those things are okay. Happiness and grief can coexist, and acknowledging that is an important part of supporting grieving children.
Remembrance doesn't have to look like a grand gesture. In fact, some of the most meaningful acts are the simplest ones.
Annie shared that families often find comfort in:
When children see adults talking openly about the person who died, it gives them permission to do the same. It communicates: it's safe to remember them here.
There is no pressure to do things in any particular way. Every family honors their person differently, and there is no wrong way to do this.
Birthdays, anniversaries, and other meaningful dates can bring up stronger, and sometimes unexpected emotions. Even the days leading up to a special date can feel heavy, and that's completely normal.
Annie offered some gentle ideas for marking these days in ways that feel right for your family:
One family Annie worked with wasn't ready to celebrate yet, so they simply went somewhere together. That was their way. Do what feels right for you, in the moment that you're in. There is room for all of it.
For parents who have lost a child and are also trying to support their surviving children, Annie was honest: this is one of the hardest things imaginable. You are navigating your own profound grief while also helping another child navigate theirs.
A few things that can help:
That is not a small thing. It's the foundation.
Being open, present, and willing to listen is what children need most. You don't need all the answers.
Many parents worry they should hide their grief, but children actually benefit from seeing that feelings are real and that it's okay to express them. When they watch you cry, they learn that sadness is okay. When they watch you cope, they learn how to do the same.
Children will ask the same things over and over, especially about something this big and hard. That's not a sign something is wrong. It's how they process. Answer simply, at their developmental level, and expect to revisit it.
Predictability is how children feel safe. Routine helps them thrive, even in the middle of grief. That said — there is also room for flexibility when things are just really hard.
Through play, art, music, movement, or behavior. Not all grief looks like tears and conversation. A lot of it looks like acting out, or running off to play. Both are normal.
Children are puddle jumpers.
Unlike adults, who can swim in grief for long stretches, children move in and out of it. One moment they may be crying, and the next they're running off to play — and that is completely normal. That is how they process.
Children can't hold grief for long periods the way adults do. They step into it, feel it in pieces, and then step back out. Expecting them to be continuously sad or to process it the way an adult would is asking more than they're developmentally able to give.
What this can look like:
As children grow and reach new developmental stages, their understanding of loss deepens too. A child who was four when their sibling died will process that loss differently at age seven, and again at twelve. The stories need to be retold. The questions need to be re-answered. And that's not going backward — it's how grief grows alongside them.
Grief is not one-size-fits-all, and there are layers many families don't always have language for.
Secondary Loss refers to the additional changes and losses that come after a death. The routines that disappear. The relationships that shift — with doctors, teachers, therapists who were once part of daily life. The identity changes: I'm not a big sister anymore. (You are. It just looks different now.) The missing of future milestones — graduations, birthdays, first days of school, weddings.
These are real losses, and they can catch families off guard long after the initial grief.
Ambiguous Loss describes grief that feels unresolved or unclear — a death that was sudden or traumatic, when there wasn't a chance to say goodbye, when things felt unfinished. This kind of grief can be especially difficult to hold.
And for parents who are deep in grief, there is also the secondary loss children experience when their parent is emotionally unavailable or different than they were before. That is a loss too, and it deserves acknowledgment.
A question came up in the community about siblings who were born after a child passed — children who never met their brother or sister but grow up knowing they existed.
Annie was clear: that sibling is still part of the family story, and that child still grieves — even if it looks different.
These children benefit from hearing stories. From grandparents, aunts, uncles, parents — everyone who knew them. Everyone carries a different piece of that relationship, and sharing those stories helps the child who came after feel connected to someone they never got to meet.
They know. And it matters to them.
Grief doesn't go away — but it changes. It becomes integrated into your story rather than something you're simply surviving.
Some things that help families carry remembrance forward:
Each family finds their own way to carry love forward. There is no single right path — only what is meaningful, and honest, and yours.
No matter where you are in your journey — newly in loss, years in, or supporting a child who is grieving — individualized support is available.
Annie is available for one-on-one support tailored to you, your child, and your family — meeting you exactly where you are right now.
Connect with Annie and the Hope for HIE Child Life program at HIE.Support.
Watch the full recording, along with our other Child Life Q&As, on Hope for HIE's YouTube channel under the Child Life Series playlist, or download our Key Takeaway resource for an at-a-glance look at the Q&A highlights!
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